In Sweden, they do not have ultrasounds earlier than 18 weeks unless there is a problem. And as this was a very normal and easy pregnancy, I had no reason to get an extra check up.
These twins were not "pre-meditated" meaning that I'd not undergone any fertility treatments to conceive them. That's one reason this was such a shocker - except that my grandma on my mom's side was a twin (and there a few sets of naturally-conceived twins and 1 set of triplets on that line) I had no reason to believe that I was a candidate for multiples. I am under 35 years old and have been completely textbook normal in terms of regular women's health. So when we saw the two large healthy twins (a boy and a girl) on the ultrasound, I had a few choice exclamations (shouted in English not in Swedish) and then burst into panicked tears.
I spent the next 5 months in a curled up ball of tension completely dreading being a mom to multiples plus a toddler. I didn't really feel very communicative. Some people really really want large families. I was one of the women who was very much set on having only 2 children, maximum.
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| Twin ultrasound pix |
Now that they are here, I adore them. Not that we don't have moments of total hell.
All I can say is THANK GOD WE LIVE IN SWEDEN.
Why?
Let's see:
-The pre-natal care I received was truly terrific. It was the most pro-woman-centered care I've ever seen. All female OBs and midwives (women pregnant with singles only see midwives through their pregnancy but since I was a twin pregnancy, I saw an OB-GYN regularly).
It's weird here - you call your doctor by her first name. If you did that in the USA, you'd probably not be welcome at the practice. Swedes don't like to pull status rank.
-My feelings and preferences were taken into account during the entire pregnancy. It was extremely respectful care. Your wishes are taken seriously here (within reason of course- I'm not a doctor or a midwife). We also hired a doula who was wonderful too. Kim's presence soothed me even though I was very, very scared about giving birth to twins and in a language that is not my native tongue.
-Breastfeeding is encouraged and there is no baby nursery. Rooming in is practiced here (my daughter had jaundice and had to go under the lights, but the nurses always brought her to me to nurse). Even without the nursery, the midwives and baby nurses are super-helpful and wonderful. I felt spoiled by their attention, kindness and care.
- Fathers/partners automatically get 2 weeks off from work (paid of course) following the birth. S. got 4 weeks on account of having twins.
-Families with one child automatically get 480 days of paid shared parental leave. With twins, we get double that. I thought that it was just an extra 180 days, but now according to the Tax agency, it's 480 for each child. Holy Hell!
-When this long period of time is over, the twins and my older son can attend high-quality dagis (daycare/preschool) for an extremely low-cost (next to free). If we'd had the twins in the USA, we'd have had to pay at least $1000 USD for each of them to attend daycare, if there were any openings (as we lived in NYC, daycares have long wait-lists) Or we'd have had to hire a nanny or two plus put our older son in at least part-time preschool just for the social/educational factor.
-In general, Swedes respect and value personal privacy, which I like a lot. I hated getting unsolicited advice and nosy questions from strangers when I was pregnant with my older son in the USA. I don't think it's a stranger's business on how I want to give birth or whether I want/have to work after my child is born or my parenting "style". I do things in a way that is instinctive, comfortable and acceptable to my family and I respect that other parents do too. Swedish society as a whole feels a lot more privacy-oriented about that sort of thing.
- I've encountered zero "competimommies" who insist of milestone "mompetition" one up-manship. I remember once when my older son was 6 months old, a lady in Brooklyn accosted me on the swings one day - "What does your son DO?" she asked? He was 6 months old so um, not much. So I answered "Do you mean for a living? Like, is he a fork-lift operator or a librarian?" She got very agitated at my answer. I can be an asshole, but it was an asshole question.
-I can breastfeed my babies in public and don't feel weird here. Nobody has acted strangely or accused me of indecent exposure (happens all the time to nursing moms in the USA). Nobody leers. It's just fine.
- Most public bathrooms are clean here (there are also more of them). Many public bathrooms have a clean changing table too.
I'm really happy that we live in Sweden with our suddenly large family. Although I miss my family and friends in the USA terribly, I wouldn't have it any other way.
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